Combat Training for Christmas Shopping

A recent incident in a local Target store inspired me to sit down and write a bit about surviving an act of Christmas shopping violence while maintaining possession of your gifts, and avoiding jail time.  The incident in question happened at the customer service counter. 

While retrieving a rare and desired Transformer Devastator toy (possibly the last one in Arizona,) a tall white female in her mid-forties attempted to snatch the box from the woman who had put it on hold, from the counter.  The accosted woman was shorter by about 6 inches, so she was at a slight disadvantage when the woman then confronted her about the toy, yes?  Wrong.  The accosted woman has many options available to her (if you’re a male, refer G.W.A’s, below.)

One of the 48 laws of power is “boldness creates fear” or something like that.  By boldly grabbing the toy from the counter in front of the woman and then confronting her about it,  “bitch, this is MY toy,” she perhaps thought that fear would set in and the rightful owner would yield the toy.  How to handle this situation?  Several options:

1. Threaten to “key” the toy, thus rendering it’s value as a “new” gift suspect.
2.  Pull out your Mac lipstick and start drawing all over the woman’s handbag, or the toy, or her face if you can reach.
3.  Call security.
4.  Threaten to punch the taller female.

It is clear from the above options that number 2 is best suited to the situation. Pull the lipstick out as though you were taking the situation in and pausing to touch up your lips.  Although the face makes an excellent point to aim at, marking the handbag, especially an expensive one, can cause shock and paralysis, giving you time to snatch the toy back and run away.  For obvious reasons we have no real intention of tagging the toybox.

To execute the lipstick lunge, thrust forward in a lunge with your arm extended using a Zorro slashing motion.  Lunge back, thrust forward, repeat.  Always lunge and withdraw to avoid getting bitten.  To practice this move, simply start with slow lunges, and make increasingly more powerful thrusts as you warm-up.  A shorter person can utilize this same technique to mark the face in a version called the jumping lipstick thrust.

Practice the lipstick lunge, but instead of thrusting forward onto the front leg, launch yourself forward from the back leg, keeping the front arm extended.
Fortunately, the accosted woman in this incident was Filipina, and a professional shopper by birthright (if you’re a Filipina and don’t like to shop, my apologies… you’re the genetic anomaly.)  The incident was resolved with little more that a bug-eyed stare and the beginning of a high-pitched shriek from somewhere in the back of her throat.  The attacker handed the toy back and backed away from her one step at a time.

*Note:  Calling security should be a last resort as it gives the woman time to get away, or the security guard may decide to throw you both out and confiscate the toy; after which it will appear on Ebay for a “Buy it Now” price of $300 dollars and $100 in shipping and handling.
**Punching may result in jail time, so we reserve that for the back of her head if she tries to make a run for it.

Always remember, a balanced training program is essential to avoid injuries, and to be prepared for the unexpected. 

What does one do if you’re a male who is taken advantage of by a G.W.A.?  Grandmas with Attitude can be some of the worst perpetrators.  After all, who is going to hurt a woman well past her fifties, even if she did just step right in front of you while you were looking through the underwear drawers at Victoria’s Secret ? (If you’re one of those 30-something grandmas, shame-on-you, the boy is not there just to “study.”) 

Only in a war zone do such atrocities occur.  Well guess what?  This is Christmas soldier!  If you’re reading this today this is crunch time!  Count down to D-Day!  You need to get the last 5 pairs of Cheekies underwear in black lace with the pink ribbon, and no damn grandma is going to stand in your way!

Now to be sure, subtlety is key in this one.  Nothing will get you landed in jail or hell faster than hip checking an old woman to get at some undies or a Bitty-baby stroller.  Options:

1. Leering stares and hip-to-hip contact.  Really freaky, feeds into that whole predator thing…but this is war.
(*Note, if she starts leering back at you or asks if you’d like to see her in a V-string, you’re outmatched.  Retreat and find another present, maybe at Bath & Body shop.)  No special training needed here, if you’re a male, you already know how to do this.  Trust me.  You do.

2. Keep reaching into “her space” and grabbing the undies she’s about to pick up.  G.W.A.’s hate this as it gives them a taste of their own pushiness.  They eventually tell you how rude you are and leave to avoid further improprieties on your part.  This technique requires agility and speed.  Try training this by snatching pieces of food from your kids plate during mealtime.  3 sets of 6 three times a week should do it.  Although you may want to stop if they start crying; just don’t eat it, that’s cruel.

3.  The Bad Dancer, or Clumsy Oaf:  This is an advanced technique that requires a bit of practice to execute with grace and precision.  Standing fairly close to your G.W.A., bring you’re toes close to hers while appearing to be seeking your item close to her field of view (if she pushed her way into line in front of you, you will be aiming for the back of her shoe, using the “sorry, someone bumped into me” excuse;) stumble onto the foot closest to hers, like a missed dance step, “accidentally” landing or leaning on her toes with your own.  Exclaim, “Oh, I’m so clumsy.  I’m sooo sorry ma’am, are you alright?”  Done correctly, she will retreat with a limp to the nearest bench or chair, leaving you free to finish your shopping.

Standing close is essential on this one.  If you are seen hopping on one foot towards an old woman in Victoria’s Secret, you may be mistaken for her son, imitating a move from the Nutcracker Ballet you watched the night before.  Besides, you’re no ballet dancer, you’ll fall and look stupid, by the underwear display, holding a pair of pink and black lace cheekies.

Train this technique by placing your hands on your hips, bending your knees slightly and hopping from the ball of one foot to the other, much like a Keebler Elf or a Russian folk dancer.  **Don’t try this while drinking….or maybe do…hmm.

As with all training programs, before you start be sure to see a licensed medical professional, preferably one qualified to prescribe psychiatric medication.  Remember, train hard and avoid being a victim!

Happy Holidays!!

Next:  Screaming is Not Talking.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *